Thursday, 23 June 2011

So yeah . . . well hum

So I do remember saying that I would finish the tale of our first family vacation, hell I even titled the first post Part One.  I will do that, I promise, just not today.

I am not in a funny, cute kind of mood . . . I haven't been since Tuesday.  I am not horribly down, I am just quiet . . . in one of those moods where I have very little to say to those around me.  And so I say very little.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days.  This is not always a good thing.  I can be a wee bit of an over-analyzer . . . I have a tendency to over-think things . . . and I have been known to stew to the point of not being able to sleep.  I spent pretty much my entire third year of university doing just that . . . it was a tiring year.

Last night I laid in bed, listening to an incredible thunder storm, thinking about how to get back to a place where I am happy and content the majority of the time.  I must admit, I considered upping my pills or just asking to go all out and give Prozac a shot but that wouldn't be actual happiness and I am not at the point anymore where the artificial stuff will do.  I want to be a happy fun person again.  I want to be someone that I would want to spend time with.

I need to stay at my job, at least for now, because it is the responsible thing to do.  Brad does have something that will start in the fall but it is contract and thus will have to be renewed each year.  My job provides our family with benefits . . . a huge bonus given that while in daycare the kids manage to pick up a variety of wonderful germs.  Oh yes, and let us not forget that I make use of said benefits when I refill my happy coping pills prescription. 

So, I shall stay here but I shall do so with walls built up around me.  I cannot allow myself to be so hurt by those around me here.  It just drags me back to a place that I have fought long and hard to get out of.  So . . . walls it is. 

I will also continue to keep my eyes open for new opportunities.  Who knows what might be around the corner or down the street.   I will continue to work on this space.  Who knows, maybe one day this space will become so much more than what it is now.  A new start. 

I have started a new project here at work that I am hoping will become something special . . . something new to focus on and be proud of.  I realize that I will not likely receive any positive feedback on this project from anyone here but it is something that I have been pondering for a long time.  Now is the time to see if I can make it work.

What ways have you coped when life has placed you in a situation that you cannot leave but must learn to live with?  Did you built up walls?  Or did you find another way to be open to the way things are? 

Jenn

5 comments:

  1. Sorry you're in a rough spot, Jen. I, too, am depression-prone, known to stew and overanalyze (and not sleep)...

    Here's the problem with walls: It seems like a good agent to protect yourself, but I've generally found that in the long run, I just feel more isolated. So, I may not get hurt, but still can trigger a "spiral" because I suddenly look around and feel really, really alone.

    So I'd try to seek out those folks you really enjoy. It doesn't have to be a large group, but keeping looking for ways to connect.

    It's hard. Some days, the only way I manage it is FB or Twitter, but it's something, and it gets me along to the next day.

    Keep writing. Nothing better than getting it "on paper" and out of your head.

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  2. leave your job - your sanity is more important especially if it starts to affect your family life. Don't take more medication just because of your job/boss that sounds terrible and having read some of your previous posts - your job/boss is your main issue currently and seems to be stem of all your problems.

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  3. It sounds schmaltzy but it's true ... you won't feel this way forever.
    You are very aware of your feelings. This can be a blessng or the opposite. I am prone to depression and over think things and drive myself sleepless. But one thing I can count on is that things will change. I hope you feel better soon.

    xxoo,
    MiddleFingerGuy

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  4. I went through this EXACT SAME THING. I hated my job so bad I would cry at night, but I stayed because we needed the money and there was no where else I could go at the time to make enough to afford rent and all the fucking surgeries my dog needs.
    I got a new job back in May. I feel like things are a little better, but I still have a ton of super low days. Find something to help keep you sane in the meantime, because depression SUCKS.

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  5. Hmmm, the times i have been in similar circustances i put up a barrier so i suppose that is like a wall.. I just put my head down and get on with it.. I do hope things get better for you x

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Ah connecting is a grand thing!