Shifting Focus

Things have been . . .  odd . . . for me lately.  I am feeling burnt out, discouraged and very unfocused. Strange, sudden bouts of anxiety keep visiting me and I have found myself fixated on rather superficial "issues".  

The way I am at the moment is draining the joy from my life and that is not how I want to live.

If I stand back and look at my life from an observers point of view, I would see that I have two amazing examples of living the life that I want.  My kids are the best example of how to be the person I want to be.  They feel with all their heart and when their experience joy it is fully and completely.  

The thing is, they also intuitively know that joy comes from the truly simple things. Whether it be the discovery that they have outgrown their summer clothes, which means that they are growing and getting bigger is the ultimate goal for them, or the promise of a trip to the cottage . . . these kids find an abundance of things to feel joy about daily.  

If I could learn to embrace their love of self . . . or as the little guy happily points out "I like me" . . . so much anxiety would fall away.  The fact that my skin looks like a 14 year olds' or the house is cluttered and not all that organized does not matter if I stop looking at these "issues" through a lens of how I think others see them.  

I like to let my kidlets know that they are my two most favourite kiddos in the world.  Often when we cuddle in bed at night, I take that time to let them know how happy and proud I am to have them as my kids. I try and highlight some amazing things about them such as their kindness or just how hard they work.

The other night . . . well technically really early morning . . . the little guy sat up in bed and gave me his "Mommy, we cuddle" command.  As he snuggled in, he quickly said to me "You are the best mommy in the world".  Not only was he completely adorable but he hammered in a point that I need to understand . . . to my family I am doing my very best and they see that and they are grateful for that.

Little Miss went out of her way on Mother's Day to tell me over and over again how much she loves me and that I am her "Most favourite mommy in the world".  She takes the time to let me know that I am a "good cooker" and that she is proud that I ran that 5K. My kids could care less how I look in a bathing suit, they just feel intense joy when we go swimming.  My kids don't care if the house is messy and cluttered, they focus on the fun that was had that created the mess.  

What a freeing notion . . . that all those things that cause me stress and crush me with anxiety are simply not even on my children's radar because they see the person I am and they love that person.

So to anyone out there that finds themselves paralyzed by self-doubt and anxiety . . . step back and look at yourself through the eyes of a child . . . that is the truest reflection of who you are.  Apparently I am pretty amazing.  

Life Without A Mirror

I have read about people who have done it.  Who haven't looked at the own reflection in over a year. Honestly I am not certain I could do it . . . I am not certain I could even go a week.  It certainly isn't because I am arrogant . . . far from it when it comes to my appearance . . . but more because I am fearful of just how horrible I could look if I couldn't see to fix things.

That is the issue though . . . isn't it.  So often when I look in the mirror I am disappointed and looking for ways to fix the reflection.  There have been times . . . probably more than I would like to admit . . . that I have been horrified by what I see reflecting back at me.

I am not some hideous monster so why I am so fearful of my own reflection?

The mirror, and what I perceive looking back at me, is more often than not so very damaging to my self-esteem.  I find myself critiquing everything I see . . . wishing I looked better . . . wishing I looked less like I do.

Does that mean that I am wishing I looked like a different person?  Does that mean that the person my family sees and loves is not who I want to be?

I have given up the scale.  Did you know that?  I no longer step on the scale because, just like the mirror, the number reflected back at me had the power to destroy my self-confidence.  It is astonishing to me how long I let that number hurt me. 

Not stepping on the scale has actually given me more body confidence. That is not to say that I am going to throw on a bathing suit without some trepidation but I am more focused on the changes that actually matter.  I have shifted my focus to ensuring that what I eat nourishes my body.  I don't count calories but pay attention to what nutrients I am providing my body.  You know what . . . somewhere along the line, my clothes started to fit better, I moved down a size in my jeans and I had the energy to make it through two of the most intense hours of my life while working towards my black belt.

Yet I still find myself crumpling under the strain of my own reflection. I wonder if I will ever be able to take back power from the mirror . . . as I have done from the scale.  

Jenn

Desperate Times Call for Really Crunchy Methods

I have the skin of a 14 year old . . . and not in a good way.

 

I am 37 years old and yet I continue to battle with acne . . .  seriously I should be stressing about wrinkles not yet another breakout and yet any wrinkles I may have are totally overshadowed by the fabulous game of connect the dots my pimples are creating.  In the past couple of months it has gotten the worst it has been in years.

 

I am eating really well, drinking loads of water and my skin is humiliatingly bad.  Humiliatingly. 

 

It actually shocks me how much this battle with acne has damaged my finally returning self-confidence.  I was feeling good, knowing that I was making choices that were really good for my health.  I don't weigh myself anymore but I know my body has changed as my clothes are fitting the way they were designed to.  Yet my face is horrible.  I have taken to hiding behind my hair . . . which reminds of those horrible teenage years before I went on some pretty powerful medication to clear up my skin.

 

It has gotten to the point where I have seriously considered calling the doctor and getting back on some form of medication to help clear up this mess.  However, I have been trying to switch my way of life to a more natural one and the idea of medication just for pimples was just not sitting right with me.

 

So I hit up the google to see what all I could find on natural methods of treating acne.  The same treatment method came up over and over again . . . the oil cleansing method.

 

The idea of this is that you use oil to clean your face and nothing else.  I have to admit that the idea of putting oil on my face to clear up my skin seemed . . . well scary and odd . . .  what if it resulted in even more pimples . . . but it sort of made sense so I figured "What the hell" and I decided to give it a shot.

 

For the past 4 nights or so I have been cleaning my skin with olive oil . . . which I will switch out to jojoba oil once my order comes in . . . and I have given up my harsh chemical-laced traditional cleaners.  Everything I read told me not to expect overnight success and that has been true but I have to admit that I have notice that my face looks just a little bit more clear and certainly feels softer than it has in a long time.

 

Hopefully I will experience the success that so many others have doing this because I am so over this whole zits at 37 thing. 

 

Jenn

A New Goal

Around the start of the New Year my Sifu (it means "teacher" in Mandarin and is we refer to our kung fu/ kickboxing instruction . . . when we are not busy cursing him for pushing us so hard) decided that it was time for the club to turn in a different direction.  This change of course would offer those who were looking for a new goal, something to aim for, a chance to do something none of us had thought possible . . . we would begin to work towards our black belt.

 

I started kickboxing to deal with the baby weight.  My little guy was 6 months old and I was looking for something to motivate me and get me moving again.  I had tried working out at home but it was just too easy to push it to the side in the name of getting other things around the house done . . . or perhaps sit on the couch in a not sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row daze.

 

I continued kickboxing because it kept me sane.  At my darkest of days, when the depression crippled so many aspects of my life, I continued to push myself to get to kickboxing because I knew it was the only thing that was keeping me from completely sinking into the darkness. 

 

I have found a place that is filled with family.

 

That being said, I found myself in a bit of a rut.  It turns out I needed a new goal. The idea of working towards my black belt was it. 

 

How cool is it going to be when I can say that I have earned by black belt?! Earned it is the key.

 

This past weekend we held our first testing session and, to put it mildly, it was intense.  We worked out for 2 hours straight.  The first hour was focused on conditioning and we were graded on our fitness level. The second hour was spent going over the combinations we needed to know and execute.

 

It was exhausting.  We were all pushed to our limits and just that little bit beyond. 

 

It was rewarding.  The years of hard work and the weeks of intense practice to learn and perfect our combinations was worth it. 

 

Jab - cross - hook - round kick - step forward - cross - bob- cross jab - round kick - step forward - cross . . .

 

This new goal has pushed me, has given me motivation and drive again. This is my time, my chance to be Jenn . . . not just mom . . . and I am taking it and seeing where it goes.  I still have a long ways to go . . . I still have more testing, more advancements to make . . . but I am getting there and it makes me proud.

 

What have you done that is just for yourself?  What have you done lately that makes you step back and feel pride in yourself?

 

Jenn

 

The Problem with Good Intentions

My husband is currently upstairs, avoiding me because he is frustrated and a wee bit pissed at me. Which is somewhat understandable because I am a wee bit frustrated with him.

 

My decision to change my eating habits, along with what I chose and prepare for the family, has not been a completely smooth transition.  Due to the fact that it has been my choice, not something Brad had even thought about let alone considered, has meant that he and I are not on the same page.

 

He is trying but this was not something he wanted.  It was all me.

 

Clean eating has meant getting rid of the easy, quick already prepared things.  No more goldfish cracker, no more noodles from a can, no more bear paws.  I have stopped by things that were once staples in our meal planning.  Brad has felt lost, not certain what to do with many of the items that I now bring home and at times, I am certain, he is hungry.

 

Currently the source of his frustration is my frustration at his insistence that I buy brown sugar so that he can bake something for a dinner we are going to.  I told him that we had coconut sugar he could use.  He said buy brown sugar.  I bought it but I was frustrated.  I told him it felt like I was battling against a brick wall.  He went upstairs.

 

The thing is, I am frustrated with each and every one of us.  I am wondering if I am doing the right thing.  It has meant a whole hell of a lot more work for me as I bake treats for the kids rather than buying them. It means that more thought needs to go into making meals and it means that, at times, our grocery bill has been much higher.  Is the fight with the kids worth it?  Is the wasted food as they leave things that don't taste they way they want worth it?  Do I really want to have the added responsibility of all of the cooking?

 

Is it right for me to make Brad change the way he eats, if that is not something that he really wanted?  Is it worth the stress on us? 

 

I am doing this with the best of intention.  I sincerely want to give my children the best start at life.  I want Brad to be around for a long time.  What can I say . . . I kind of like him a whole lot.

 

Both of us come from families where eating habits have caused health issues.  Diabetes.  Obesity. Heart and stroke.  High blood pressure.  All of those are in our genetics and I would love to try and fight against them naturally. 

 

My good intentions have left us currently strained and left me wondering if it is all worth it. 

 

Jenn